My grandmother was bulimic

C/W Bulimia, Suicidal Ideation, Fat Phobia, Fat Shaming

Aunt Gloria (back) and Grandma Eleanor fishing

My grandmother Eleanor died two months shy of her 55th birthday of stomach cancer. She was around my size and looked a lot like me. She kept trying to lose weight by ingesting horrible chemicals and giving herself enemas filled with weight loss remedies. I always wondered if the chemicals caused her cancer. Of course, once she got cancer, she lost a lot of weight.

I was 12 when she died.

Mom, me, and Grandma

I have tried to avoid my grandmother”s feelings of self-loathing over her weight. I used to be very confident about myself. I used to think my grandmother was cute, and that I was cute like my grandma… an adorable woman with a bright smile and round cheeks.

But since Greg died I have more and more people who think it isn’t OK for me to think that I am cute, or look cute, or that I am not repulsive. I used to think that I – and other fat people – looked just like cute baby dolls. But now some people want me to think I look disgusting. And not like a Kewpie doll.

So, my grandma had bulimia. All of her weight loss gimmicks didn’t keep her from gaining weight. Neither did her forced vomiting.

Grandma and Mom

I don’t have bulimia. I just have suicidal ideation when I hear people tell me that being fat means I am lazy, repulsive, undisciplined, etc.. when people act like fatness is a moral failing and ignore my genetic predisposition towards weight gain and the fact that not only do psych meds cause weight gain, but fat shaming is one of the reasons people with metabolic affects may chose to go OFF psych meds.

Psych meds raise blood sugar, but lower blood pressure.

My high blood pressure shouldn’t be an excuse for you to fat shame me. I am on all the meds but I am having so much trouble controlling my weight that I am starting to get paranoid that I have stomach cancer like my grandma, or ovarian cancer like my great-grandma, even though logic dictates that it’s menopause + psych meds making me gain weight again,

P.S. – My grandma used to wear pigtails and little girl clothes, and I do it too. My mom hated it and some people feel it’s desexualizing so I want to apologize if any other people feel desexualized by the idea of looking like a baby doll. It just makes me feel better and I don’t want it to make others feel bad.

~ by Sumiko Saulson on March 1, 2020.

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