My grandmother was bulimic

•March 1, 2020 • Leave a Comment

C/W Bulimia, Suicidal Ideation, Fat Phobia, Fat Shaming

Aunt Gloria (back) and Grandma Eleanor fishing

My grandmother Eleanor died two months shy of her 55th birthday of stomach cancer. She was around my size and looked a lot like me. She kept trying to lose weight by ingesting horrible chemicals and giving herself enemas filled with weight loss remedies. I always wondered if the chemicals caused her cancer. Of course, once she got cancer, she lost a lot of weight.

I was 12 when she died.

Mom, me, and Grandma

I have tried to avoid my grandmother”s feelings of self-loathing over her weight. I used to be very confident about myself. I used to think my grandmother was cute, and that I was cute like my grandma… an adorable woman with a bright smile and round cheeks.

But since Greg died I have more and more people who think it isn’t OK for me to think that I am cute, or look cute, or that I am not repulsive. I used to think that I – and other fat people – looked just like cute baby dolls. But now some people want me to think I look disgusting. And not like a Kewpie doll.

So, my grandma had bulimia. All of her weight loss gimmicks didn’t keep her from gaining weight. Neither did her forced vomiting.

Grandma and Mom

I don’t have bulimia. I just have suicidal ideation when I hear people tell me that being fat means I am lazy, repulsive, undisciplined, etc.. when people act like fatness is a moral failing and ignore my genetic predisposition towards weight gain and the fact that not only do psych meds cause weight gain, but fat shaming is one of the reasons people with metabolic affects may chose to go OFF psych meds.

Psych meds raise blood sugar, but lower blood pressure.

My high blood pressure shouldn’t be an excuse for you to fat shame me. I am on all the meds but I am having so much trouble controlling my weight that I am starting to get paranoid that I have stomach cancer like my grandma, or ovarian cancer like my great-grandma, even though logic dictates that it’s menopause + psych meds making me gain weight again,

P.S. – My grandma used to wear pigtails and little girl clothes, and I do it too. My mom hated it and some people feel it’s desexualizing so I want to apologize if any other people feel desexualized by the idea of looking like a baby doll. It just makes me feel better and I don’t want it to make others feel bad.

Zombie Haiku

•February 18, 2020 • Leave a Comment

Black Taken Out of The Picture

•February 7, 2020 • Leave a Comment
Scott Saulson, Franchesca Saulson, Gina Lee Shauncey, Carolyn Saulson around 1994

Thirty years around
Look what’s been going down
So many years on the scene
But it’s like you’ve never been… there

Rude Dawg wasn’t invisible
But it’s like y’all got two photos of him
And youngsters asking if you can be
Black and goth
Dolls Kill selling t-shirts
About Goth So White

But still, dude has some pictures
To share from the scene
And he’s coping attitude
Like I’ve never been to Shrine
I almost laughed,
I said we don’t photograph
It’s like I used to say back in the day
Black folks always seem disappear
In goth club photography

And if Angyl wasn’t taking pictures now
We probably would still disappear
The only reason we now show in photographs
Is because there’s a black guy taking photos in there

And you would probably have to look twice as long
To find a photo of my mom
Where she wasn’t on a stage
You leave us out of photos
And bitch and call us attention whores
When we act like we’re a part of the scene at all
Y’all put way too much energy into disenfranchising us
And try to make us small

The next time you look at your
Photo collection why don’t you consider
Whether or not your selection of
Photography subjects doesn’t include us?
That’s why we weren’t in the picture
Even when we were there.

The Democratic Primary reminds me of the shitty last season of Glee.

•January 21, 2020 • Leave a Comment

Yes, I am voting for Warren, but I don’t have the rah-rah put door knockers out there enthusiasm level I had for Obama. The current political climate is something I find repressive and depressing beyond belief. There is an almost fatalistic belief that only Joe Biden can beat Trump. Bernie Sanders and his camp are now straight up low-blowing having jumped on the Biden camp about how a woman can’t possibly win.

Image result for Rachel Berry
Rachel Berry played by Lea Michele, repping for feminism, trying but not always succeeding at intersectionaliy, will portray Elisabeth Warren in this analogy.

Pete Buttiggieg seems to have what it takes to become president in 30 years, since the American public has decided that you have to be over 70 to be a president these days. That and we’re probably 30 fucking years away from being able to have a gay president. We can’t even have a woman president, why would we able to have a gay one?

Image result for Kurt Hummel
Kurt Hummel, played by Chris Colfer, a fresh faced clean cut young man trying desperately to humanize queer people for the American Public, represents Pete Buttigieg.

People’s bullshit about how they weren’t into identity politics because you shouldn’t not vote for someone “just because they are a man” has moved straight (and straight-cis) over to “only a man can be president.”

Most of the POCs have left the race, and it now seems more and more like the final episodes of Glee, where all of the people racially self-segregated and the straight POCs stopped dating interracially, the disabled people were all villified and became grotesque caricatures, they tokenized a few Black and LatinX queers, the Asian girl became a running Asian karaoke f** hag joke so they could center Kurt Hummel’s character in the most objectifying and tokenizing way possible.

Image result for blaine anderson kurt hummel glee
So Progressive! Blaine Anderson, played by Darren Criss, represents the appropriately clean-cut and mainstream acceptable love interest with which Kurt can be adorable and humanize gay people for Americans. He represents Chasten Buttigieg in this analogy.
Image result for pete buttigieg husband
Contrast and Compare: Actual Chastain and Pete Buttigieg, humanizing gay people for America while being in little to no position to actually win the contest.

Elisabeth Warren is like Rachel, the supposed star of the show who goes white feminist evil and appropriates POC culture from time to time.

Image result for warren
The Actual Elisabeth Warren: She doesn’t have two day dads like Rachel but she is very liberal on LGBT rights, Unfotunately, like Rachel, she sometimes crosses the line into cultural appropriation, white centering and white feminism.

Bernie Sanders is Will Schuester, the hip older teacher who is relatable and they keep trying to make him the star but people lose interest.

Image result for Will Schuester
Will Schuester, the hip older white dude who really seems to care about social justice and racial equity, but then suddenly moves over into white centering and making everything about himself and his cis white het privilege, represents Bernie Sanders in this analogy.
Image result for bernie sanders
Actual Bernie Sanders, projecting working class accessibility and a college professor vibe but still weaponizing ciswhite male privilege.

Joe Biden is Finn Hudson, a boring wooden character they keep trying to center the show on while more interesting queer folks and POCs dance around in the background.

Image result for Finn Hudson
Finn Hudson, played by Cory Monteith who died tragically of a drug over dose at only 31 after leaving rehab, represents Joe Biden here – an uninteresting milquetoast white dude who is the defacto star or heir apparent even though the marginalized people are much more talented and promising. They keep recentering things on him to maintain the status quo.
Image result for joe biden
Actual Joe Biden – just here because he used to be a Vice President, plus we are now supposed to pretend Obama was never president and only a boring, milqetoast cishet white dude over 70 can defeat Trump and we can never have a marginalized president again.

I guess Yang can be Mike Chang since he’s still on the show but gets virtually no airtime.

Image result for mike chang glee
Mike Chang, listed as a major character, portayed Harry Shum, Jr, gets insultingly little airtime or speaking parts on the show Glee. He represents Andrew Yang in this analogy.
Image result for andrew yang

Andrew Yang,still a presidential candidate even though people keep forgetting he’s running and he says they turn his mike off so he won’t ask too many questions during debates.

And of course Pete Buttiggieg is Kurt Hummel, the cute young clean cut cisgender white gay boy over and over again like a mascot to distract people from what a mainstream bigoted shitshow it had become.

Image result for season 6 glee cast
Season Six Glee Cast – Wow. So diverse-looking.
Image result for original democratic candidates
Original 2020 Presidential Election Cast

Sue Sylvester must be Trump in this analogy, and I suppose that makes the First Lady and his many daughters and ex-wives the Cheerios.

Image result for sue sylvester
Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester represents President Donald Trump in this analogy.
Image result for president trump in a jogging suit

Actual President Trump in a jogging suit, dealing with an impeachment hearing just like Sue, those guys aren’t the actual Cheerios.

Interview with M. Lamar

•January 13, 2020 • 1 Comment

Interview with M. Lamar about the upcoming Vantablack show with Stagefright (my band), Protea and N-Retrograde. We talk about Afrogothic music and literature, Toni Morrison’s Beloved, Gothic horror, American Gothic horror and its relationship to the African American community and slavery and the antebellum south. Losing Toni Morrison in 2019. “The Pieces that I Am” and Toni Morrison refusing white centering in literature. Black horror writers, Afropunk,

Whether or not we saw each other at Death Guild in the 90s and why I asked the club to change its logo. Galaxy Chamber and Omewenne and how Stagefright and Protea used to play with them in the 90s. What is Black Eldergoth? Europeans fetishizing Blackness and how that affects Black people in goth culture. My mother dating Gunther Ethan Palmer, son of Warhol Starlet Ivy Nicholson and Ciao! Manhattan director John Palmer. Martin Gore (of Depeche Mode) finding out that his dad was African American and if he should be invited to the Picnic.

Race as a social construct, and what that means? Interracial Blackness, white passingness, our historical relationship to the trans-Altantic trade route. My mother, Carolyn Saulson, Black Eldergoth and singer of Stagefright. Black centering during and outside of Black History Month.

M Lamar’s relationship to queerness, gender and his identical twin Laverne Cox (he acted as her preop in the series Orange is the New Black).

Loving Blackness and Political Race Theory.

This is a 40 minute interview.

Wickedly Abled Kickstarter Update

•January 8, 2020 • Leave a Comment

Transcentric Y.A. Fiction Novella Contest

•January 2, 2020 • Leave a Comment
Cover for Bloodlines, one of the books in the series

I am excited to announce that Mocha Memoirs Press is on board to publish the novelette for the contest winner! That means the winner will receive:

  • A Publishing Contract from Mocha Memoirs Press.
  • Cover artwork featuring Your Character in the series style!
  • Full license from me to create their own work with the spin off character in the Moon Cried Blood universe as an authorized charactr with complete creative control
  • Editing from me – I’ll be the editor – assistant editing by Tristissima and proofreading by my team

In The Moon Cried Blood, teen witches get their powers when their periods start, or at menarche. My friend who is a transwoman suggested a trans teenwitch might get powers when she starts taking hormones. There aren’t any trans characters in it but there should be.

So in an effort to make the universe of the Moon Cried Blood less ciscentric and to tell JK Rowling to kiss my enby ass, I am going to have a contest! The contest is to introduce non-cis characters of any kind to the series universe.

The work should be novelette length, between 7,500 and 11,000 words, so it is consistent in length with the original series. The deadline is March 20, 2020 which is my birthday and also Spring Equinox. Please send your manuscript to